I Don't Need To See Your Penis To Know That I Don't Want To Date You
I'm speaking to you Sir. Thank you for accidentally showing me your chiseled abs, admittedly, your abs are very nice. Also, it was kind of you to randomly mention your dentist in an unrelated conversation. Sorry, I did not ask about your nicely capped teeth. However, I'm just not feeling you.
Thirty hours in the car alone with you while you practiced every pick up line you knew on me, including "how does a woman as fine as you not have a man?" was torture. I was trapped because I hired you upon the recommendation of my good friend and your cousin, to assist me with a business trip. We were en route, could not turn back because I had to complete this order and I was out in the middle of nowhere with someone I basically did not know. I was very kind, because I just am and I knew that anyone trying that hard to get attention would have a fragile ego and I did not want feelings to get hurt. But after 26 hours of being penis-slapped by your constant pick-up lines, empty compliments and word games with the hidden purpose of trying to trick me into complimenting you, I wanted to slam my head into the passenger side car window and hurl myself into the Rocky Mountains.
"What did you think of me when you first saw me?" I didn't think anything. I just wanted to hit the road with the guy I was paying to help with the driving. But I answered comically "I noticed that you were wearing a lot of jewelry (insert fake giggle here)." I knew that you were looking for compliments but I did not want to encourage your flirting and I was not attracted to you.
"You just don't want a man!" THANK YOU!!!! I was so happy you finally came to this conclusion. Although, the reality is that I want a man, I just don't want you. I honestly don't have a specific reason other than the fact that I’m learning to trust my instincts and it would not be fair to either of us if I dated you just to prevent your feelings from being hurt. I don't know if it was my naïveté or my straight focus on business (the purpose of the trip remember), but I honestly thought that after you had that revelation everything would be fine and we could potentially be friends. Clearly, it was not my naïveté but my stupidity.
My friend, your cousin, and I spoke a few days after the trip and he wanted details. I really didn't have anything to tell him other than the fact that the trip was successful, you were an excellent driver and that if I was in your area again I would call you for drinks. He probed a little more until I finally asked "Ok, what’s up?"
"She must only date white guys" I was appalled when he told me you said this. We were talking in the car and when you asked me the race of my ex I honestly thought it was general conversation. I didn’t know that you were adding it to your list of reasons as to why I wouldn't want to date someone that you thought was so irresistible, yourself. I date anyone I'm attracted to regardless of race. Sorry, I just don't like you.
He told me you said a lot of other things, like you alluding to me possibly being gay which is absurd, but what really made me angry was when you made my friend believe that the reason I didn’t like you is because I was harboring a crush on him. I have known him for over 15 years and this has never been an issue. I referred to him as my brother from the beginning of our relationship (we never dated or had any interest in dating) and we spoke all the time like I do with all my other friends, male or female. But when he came straight out and asked me if I liked him romantically and when I told him no, I almost cried because I don't think he believed me. Now, you have convinced him that I want more from him. But I understand that you had to try to find some way to reconcile why I didn’t want to rub my hands over your abs but did you really have to injure my relationship with someone I considered a best friend? My play brother? Was it because when I ended my calls with him we always said "I love you" at the end of each call? Have you never had a good friend? I end EVERY call with all my good friends with "I love you." You know why? Because I'm loving and kind. That is the only reason why I'm handling your behavior so well. Why I'm not and will never detail some of the many negatives you have.
Well, my friend and I are no longer close. You won. You got me back for not falling for your charms. But regardless of all that, you and I will ALWAYS know that I'm the one, that saw you, knew you, spent time with you and decided to NOT CHOOSE YOU. Good luck to you Sir!
WHAT'S THE D–I–S–H?
D - DEFINE your DILEMMA
Imagine you work very hard at achieving a goal. You achieve that goal successfully and reach a certain level of success and notoriety. This person comes along and says they are proud of you and wants to help you get better; to help you progress. They help you and then eventually start requesting more from your relationship (romance) but you politely tell them you have no interest in giving them more. They stick around to give the impression that they are ok with your decision, but the truth is they are now preparing to sabotage you. They threaten you and tell you that if you do not comply they will hurt you and your family. You do not comply. They then begin defaming your name, character and abilities to anyone who will listen. Even those close to you. You have no recourse because you can’t prove it because what he was offering was not tangible. He offered his affections and because he was apparently successful with other ladies, it’s hard for others to believe that he would be tripping this hard over not getting the attention that he wanted from insignificant you. You can either walk away knowing that others think poorly of you or you can give in to him so that he can sing your praises and poke out his chest. Am I crazy in thinking that this is wrong? Would you now feel safe politely telling any man that you are not interested in dating him? I just don’t understand why I MUST date someone because they want to date me and why if I don’t I’m potentially opening myself up to ridicule and isolation from a group.
I - IDENTIFY your INSPIRATION
This type of control is far too common and can be a form of abuse. I know that I am not the only woman that has had the supposedly hot guy or the uber rich man or the famous person hit on her and then get offended when you thwart their advances. The man in a position to help you but decides to push you down instead because he can’t deal with you not wanting him with all he thinks he has to offer. This type of control highlights the fact that in this day and age, women are still seen as property. There is a culture of misogynistic thinking that is systemic in business relationships that keeps women being controlled by entities bigger than themselves. And society continually fails to protect women from this type of behavior.
S - SHARE your STORY
I’m not joking when I said that I thought it was all over and settled by the time we returned from the trip. I paid him and we went our separate ways. That is why I was so comfortable calling him a few days later to ask him if I could pay him again to take another trip with me for business. He said “sure, no problem” and then told me to call him at the end of that week to plan for the trip the following week. Well, I called him as we planned and left several messages. I sent text messages and got no response. I called him from a completely different number and he answered the phone. I hung up and he called the number back. So, he was alive! LOL! I called his cousin and asked him what the deal was. That is when everything came out. In addition to him making erroneous assumptions as to why I did not want to date him, he was also upset that he asked to be a part of my business and I did not respond affirmatively. I professionally told him that the client he wanted to contact was already being serviced by a different distributor on my team. His cousin then said “well, he said you were kind of cute.” I said, “Really? Because he was hitting on me so hard and telling me how hot I was so often that I was extremely uncomfortable. I really thought he was about to whip out his penis and I did not need to see that to know I was not interested in him.” His cousin, my friend and play brother for the last 15 or so years said “well, a man gone be a man.” I lost all respect for him when I realized that he was more concerned about protecting him and not interested in hearing my truth. A clear example of the "old boys club."
H - HEAL your HEART
In this instance, my lack of interest in dating him or having him work with my company in a higher capacity made it clear that he couldn’t control ME directly, so instead, he attempted to make sure that he controlled my CHOICES. He thought that by not responding to my calls he was controlling my business decisions and my finances. In his eyes he made me a miniscule character amongst my social circle and thought that he was evaporating my resources by not assisting me as he said he would with the next trip and not returning my calls. What an eye opener. I hope you understand why my voice is so loud on this issue. This is sexual harrassment. As women become more knowledgeable, more successful and venture into entrepreneurship, being labeled as hard to work with, difficult or having an attitude can no longer provoke fear in us. Submissiveness and shame have been the status quo for so long that I was tempted to surrender. But I did not. I will continue my best to try to understand him. My play brother and I will have to talk about our issues when the smoke clears, so that is what it is right now. I hired someone else to make the second trip with me and it was a far better experience. I kept going and never looked back. In the words of Beyoncé “Always stay gracious, best revenge is yo paper.”