SOMETIMES I JUST WANT TO STAY HOME AND FART MYSELF TO SLEEP
Recently someone called me a loner because I didn't want to hang out. It was a Friday and all week I had dealt with clients, students that think they are smarter than the professor (perhaps they are) and just a litany of complaints and unmet needs from every other area in my life. At the end of the week the thought of more human contact was as appealing as seeing my ex-husband in his underwear with the holes and stains in them that he refused to let me replace because he was waiting for his mother to come visit so that she could bring his favorite brand. Her next visit to the USA was schedule for 2 years from the exact moment when they turned from tighty whities to disbelief briefs.
ANYWAY, when I heard the word "loner", I thought am I really a loner or do I just know how to enjoy my alone time? I love the moment I get home and I throw my bra on the floor and laugh in the face of gravity as my tiny boobs do their best impression of a bounce. After I take care of the needs of my beloved pets, I go to the bottle of bubbly that has been chilling and waiting for me all week long. I quickly gulp down two glasses. As I pour a third glass to take upstairs with me, I proclaim "damn this is good!"
I burp loudly as I head to the bathroom where I do my business with the door open, the cat on my lap and the dog in the doorway. After that's done, I head upstairs with the cat in one hand, bubbly in the other and my dog at my heels. As soon as I enter the bedroom, the rest of my clothes come off, I cue the DVR to play everything I have missed since Monday and fall into the bed. Then, the best thing happens. All the built up stress and pressure from the week is released in the biggest fart a woman is allowed to make while still considering herself a lady. The cat stares at me in disgust and I swear the dog giggles. I think, thank goodness I'm not at the bar and have to hold that in all night.Then I eventually fall asleep.
So ladies, please be understanding if your friend sometimes declines Friday get togethers after a long week. She may be a loner, which is ok. She may also be tired from a hectic week, looking forward to some alone time, or sometimes, she just may want to stay home and fart herself to sleep.
Honest Diva
